One Doozy of a Teacher's Nightmare!

This morning I woke up from another one of those dreaded teacher dreams. The bell rang, but I couldn't find my schedule. Kids started coming in the room. I was trying to tell by the way they looked which class it was. Of course, in my dream there are four or five doors to my room, so the students are not coming in and sitting down, they just keep going in one door and out the other. They aren't even looking at me. I try to speak, but I have no voice. My lesson plan book is blank, not a word on it, even though I know I wrote them. My teacher friend next door lets me look at her papers. I realize that I have to teach five classes in a row without a break. That makes me furious because my room is so far from the restroom. Who would schedule me like that? (My real schedule is nothing like that.)

As the day goes on, my room fills up with water. Yes, water. I do not know why, it just does. The students are swimming around and I cannot get them to pay attention. My boss comes in and wants to know just what in the Sam Hill I am allowing to happen. I try explain to him that I cannot stop the water from coming in, and ask him to help me, but my mouth is completely full of bubble gum. He gets on his radio and calls the cops. The police show up and start arresting kids for swimming without permission. While this is going on, a little girl brings me a litter of puppies that were just born that need to be cleaned up. They are struggling to breathe, so I stop what I am doing and start trying to save the puppies. 

I have often wondered, do other professionals dream the same weird stuff? Do dentists dream that they cannot pull out a tooth? Do football players dream that they keep dropping the ball? Do nurses dream that they cannot get a needle through someone's skin? These are things that perplex me. 

This Teacher's New Year's Resolutions 2013

I had planned to write this before now, but I have had the flu. Spending valuable school holidays being sick is the ultimate in cruelty of the universe. I have to use every single one of my days off to rebuild the courage and positive energy necessary to return to class on Monday. If I am forced to be sick during those days, it further depletes my energy stores. I do not usually get the flu. I am one of those fools who believes she does not ever need a flu shot. Never even think about it. But our darling little grandson is in kindergarten this year, and he brought it to us for Christmas. Then on the Today Show this morning, I find out that it's an especially bad flu season this year. Isn't that just great?

So now I look ahead at 2013 and ponder what it is that I would like to accomplish. What would I like to see happen? Well, this is an unusual year for me since I'm quitting my job in May. My resolutions are shorter term in nature than usual. They are like what can I do to make the next few months the least bit more tolerable? So here they are:

1. Keep up the happy teacher facade during class. Just so my two worst classes will not try to take credit for making me quit. Always makes me furious when students brag about a certain teacher they "ran off". Plus these little darlings can be quite trying at times, but they are rarely ever the reason teachers leave. We leave because the structure of public school operating alongside parents who threaten to sue at the drop of a hat makes us either quit or, even worse, keep teaching and no longer caring.

2. Take up singing or humming in the classroom. I get so tired of hearing inappropriate language from the students. Before the tardy bell rings and during transitions, they talk to each other. They talk loud enough for anyone around them to hear them. When I call them out for their language, they get defensive. Have you ever tried to prove that someone said something in a room full of people talking? Since you have to pick the fights you can win, this is one I try to ignore. I believe that if I'm humming or singing, it will be much more pleasant for me. Since I cannot carry a tune in a bag, it will not be pleasant for the students. Bonus!

3. Avoid impromptu visits in the halls with administrators. These visits were something I have always loved to do. Before the students arrived or during my conference, running into one of them and asking for their advice or permission to do something was one way I could get immediate feedback on my ideas. But this has changed. Now it always ends with them repeating the same old standardized testing jargon and buzz words. If they do care about real classroom learning, you would never know by listening to them talk. So I will resort to following advice I was given by a veteran teacher a long time ago, "It is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission." Ain't it true?

4. Use my resources as they are. Normally, I get my resources and materials out, then find something I want to use, but find things wrong with it. So I have to edit it, or update it, or recreate it from scratch. I vow not to spend hours and hours every week doing this. I will give the students the resources the way I find them, no matter what. I have heard people say that the kids will not care whether their materials are perfect or not. I never wanted to believe it, but I guess we will find out.

5. Avoid the copy room during school hours. For years I have been using copiers that jam at least a couple of times during any copy job. Unjamming them is no easy feat. These things are sophisticated computers that give you instructions on how to unjam them, and if you do not follow them exactly, it will not unjam, and you will not get your copies made, and you will get furious. We are instructed not to leave our paper jams for other people to fix. So we are pressured to get it done even though it may take half an hour or more. When the bell rings, we have to get to class. That is not optional. So sometimes we have to leave our jams for others to find. So I will vow to only make copies late in the afternoon after everyone has gone home, or on weekends. Sometime when hours stretch out in front of me with no immediate plans. That should work. There's nothing more fulfilling than spending your weekends in the copy room!

Alrighty then, that should get me started on my path to a less stressed new year. Wish me luck!

Top 10 WTF Moments in my Classroom in 2012

     For New Year's Eve, I have put together a list of things that really made me say, "WTF" this last year. I hope you will shake your head with me as you read.

     10. During some of our get to know you activities the first week of school, I found out that two of the freshman girls already were mothers. And that each of their babies was already a year old.

 

    9. A student said, “WTF” out loud then everyone’s head whipped around to see if I had heard him. I told them I knew what that meant, and there was nothing wrong with saying it. “Welcome to Facebook, right?” I asked them with a smile.

    8. During our third week of school, one of my students stopped what she was doing in the middle of class, looked around my science lab, and asked me, “Biology, this is a science class right?

 

    7. In one class where we are particularly bombarded by some freshmen jocks who are still out to prove themselves on a daily basis, I also have a handful of sweet darling girls who want to do the right thing and be successful. I almost never hear from the girls because the boys are always attention seeking and usually rude to boot. While I was talking to the class one day, I was telling the girls to be patient. Gradually the boys would stop all the nonsense. A nice quiet girl who was especially fed up asked me out loud, “What’s the school appropriate word for asshole?” She was horrified at what she said. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing.

 

     6.  I have the biggest crush on Johnny Depp. When the girls talk about him, they always want to tell me how hot he is. I tell them he is Mr. Holkiss’ age, nearly 50, and they about faint. They just cannot believe that. And I laugh!

 

    5. There was one student who asked me every day whether or not I had a pencil sharpener. During the fifth week of school, the other students forbid him to ask me that question anymore. He is having no trouble finding it now.

  

     4.  My Environmental Systems class is made up of seniors. We made posters to hang in the halls about conservation of resources. One kid made a poster that said, “Save water, shower with me.” I found it taken off the wall, folded up, and stuck in my mailbox. I’m not sure who the offended party was. I may never know.

 

      3. One really ornery freshman boy took a great interest in my guppy tank. There are tons of little fish in there. I had no idea he was stealing one fish a day and doing gross stuff with them in the lunchroom until a little girl told me. After that I did not allow him to play with the fish anymore. A few days later, the student who sits in his chair the class after his opened their shared textbook to find a dead fish waiting there for him. I wrote him up for animal cruelty and property destruction and he requested a schedule change.

 

    2. First week with freshmen this year, one precocious young man shouted out, “What does ‘choke the chicken’ mean?” How do you keep a straight face. Luckily for me, it is an old phrase, so many of the kids did not know what it meant. I just said it is a euphemism that we don’t use in Mrs. H’s class then got back to business lickety split! An innocent little girl asked, “What’s a euphemism.” Oh boy!

 

    1. We had just finished learning about the different types of sexual reproduction that take place in the animal kingdom, including my favorite, the slugs, that both have penises and sperm receiving tissue. When the union is successful, the product glows in the dark. I had a boy freshman ask me how can you tell when a human female has an orgasm. I told him to ask his mother, but wanted to tell him that he would never REALLY know for sure! Ha!